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Lesbian Jokes

Lesbian Jokes Compilation

Lesbian Joke 1:

A lesbian came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, “Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!” The butchie said, “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”

 

Lesbian Joke 2:

One day, a butchie came home and was greeted by her wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up,” she purred, “And you can do anything you want.”

So she tied her up and went fishing.

 

Lesbian Joke 3:

What kind of humor do lesbians like?

Tongue in cheek!

 

Lesbian Joke 4:

Lesbian Rash Joke:

A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks one on each side of her inner thigh.

The doctor instructs the woman to undress and sit on the table and spread her legs. Sitting between the young womans legs, the doctor looks up at the young woman and asks if she is a lesbian.

The young woman blushes and says, “Why yes I am.” The doctor stands up, and tells the young woman, “Don’t worry your rash will go away.” The young woman asks what she needs to do. The doctor says, “Go home and tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren’t real.”

 

Lesbian Joke 5:

How many femmes does it take to change a tire?

Two: one to call AAA and one to whine about the grease on her skirt.

 

Lesbian Joke 6:

Minor Lickers

A lesbian walks into a whorehouse and says “I want a 14 year old girl.”

The madam responds ‘I’m sorry but we don’t serve minors to lickers here.

 

Lesbian Joke 7:

My Wife is Gay

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodka.” The barman says “Wow! you must have had one really bad day.” “Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.” The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!” On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said “WOW! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?” “Yeah, my wife…”

 

Lesbian Joke 8:

What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?

A licker cabinet.

 

Lesbian Joke 9:

Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her butchie. Suddenly, her butchie burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” she said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at her. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The butchie calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

 

Lesbian Joke 10:

Aren’t we all lesbians?

A man is sitting at a bar and see two lovely women across the room. He calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two ladies a drink.”

The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.”

The man says, “It doesn’t matter, I want to buy those women a drink.”

The bartender brings the drinks to the women and they acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. A little while later, the man approaches the women and says, “I’d like to buy you two another drink.”

The women both reply, “It won’t do you any good.”

The man says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?”

The first lady says, “We’re lesbians.”

The man says, “Lesbians? What are lesbians?”

The second woman replies, “Lesbians… We like to lick vaginas.”

The man says, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.”

 

Lesbian Joke 11:

Mom’s Cooking

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, “You mean, lesbian?”

“Well… yes.”

Still without looking up: “Does that mean you lick women down below?”

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped: “Don’t you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!”

 

Lesbian Joke 12:

Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. Also apparently those homosexual animals have picked up some unnatural behavior.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

 

Lesbian Joke 13:

Why Does a Butch Have Short Hair?

Answer: So hair won’t get in her face while eating.

 

Lesbian Joke 14:

Two lesbians are sitting together talking. One turns to the other and says, “They say ‘you are what you eat’. Does that mean I’ll be you in the morning?”

 

Lesbian Joke 15:

Q: Why do lesbians like whales so much?

A: Because they have 50 foot tongues and breath out of the top of their heads!

 

Lesbian Joke 16:

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Four. One to do the work, one to critique the word screw, one to lend her professional credentials and one to lay ground with the utility company.

 

Lesbian Joke 17:

Q: Why do gay men like to have lesbian friends?

A: Someone has to mow the lawn.

 

Lesbian Joke 18:

Q: Why do lesbians like to have gay male friends?

A: Someone has to do the cooking!

 

Lesbian Joke 19:

Q: What do you call a lesbian will fat fingers?

A: Well Hung..!!

 

Lesbian Joke 20:

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?

A: Single!

 

Lesbian Joke 21:

Q: What do you call an Irish Lesbian?

A: Gaylick.

 

Lesbian Joke 22:

Q: What do you call two butches bonding?

A: Hockey Night in Canada.

 

Lesbian Joke 23:

Q: What can two femmes do in bed?

A: Each other’s makeup.

 

Lesbian Joke 24:

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.”

She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.”

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

 

Lesbian Joke 25:

Q: What does one lesbian vampire say to another lesbian vampire?

A: See ya same time next month.

 

Lesbian Joke 26:

Two old lesbians were doing it on a park bench.

One lesbian says to the other, “Take your glasses off, you’re scratching my leg.”

The other one says,”Put your glasses back on, you’re licking the bench!”

 

Lesbian Joke 27:

Two Lipstick Lesbians are on a plane when the engines start to fail. One of them runs back to the lavatory and opens the door and asks her partner inside if she shaved today.

She says, “Yes, why?”

“Whew, that’s good! The flight attendant told me to run back and get you cause we’ll be going down in less than two minutes.”

 

Lesbian Joke 28:

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man’s slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen.

“You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of.”

“Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir,” said the handsome young man.

“I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours,” said the agent.

“Sir?”

“Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That’s not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I’d love to represent you, but you’ll have to change your name.”

“Sir,” the handsome young man protested. “The Van Lesbian name was my father’s, my grandfather’s and his father’s name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason.”

“If you won’t change your name, I cannot represent you young man.”

“Then I bid you farewell — my name will not change.” With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

Five Years Later: The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:

Dear Sir: Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.

Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Dick Van Dyke

 

Lesbian Joke 29:

Q: What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?

A: A Klon-dike bar.

 

Lesbian Joke 30:

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A.: Lick-a-lot-a-pus.

 

Lesbian Joke 31:

David Letterman joked about QTV, the new gay and lesbian cable channel on his show January 10, 2005. Here’s what he had to say, “There is a new gay cable channel entitled Q Television Network (what would the Q stand for?) to provide programming for the gay, lesbian and bisexual community. (Be nice if the bisexuals got their own channel, wouldn’t it?”)

 

Gay Joke :

Top Ten Shows on the New Gay Cable Network

10. “Everybody loves Raymond….especially Steve.”

9. “CSI: San Fransisco”

8. “Inside the actor’s studio apartment in the WestVillage”

7. “Law and Order: Special Antiquing Unit”

6. “King of Queens”

5. “Desperate Houseboys”

4. “Stone Phillips-Unleashed”

3. “Malcolm in the Middle”

2. “My wife and kids….have no idea”

1. “Press the meat”

 

Lesbian Joke 32:

Q: Two lesbians are walking down the street with their hands in each other’s pockets.

What are they doing?

A: LIP READING!!!!!!

 

 

Lesbian Joke 33:

A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks one on each side of her inner thigh.

The doctor instructs the woman to undress and sit on the table and spread her legs. Sitting between the young womans legs, the doctor looks up at the young woman and asks if she is a lesbian.

The young woman blushes and says, “Why yes I am.” The doctor stands up, and tells the young woman, “Don’t worry your rash will go away.” The young woman asks what she needs to do. The doctor says, “Go home and tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren’t real.”

 

Lesbian Joke 34:

CATS

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They’re totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They’re moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They’re tiny Femme Lesbians in little fur coats.

 

Lesbian Joke 35:

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They’re tiny Butch Lesbians in little fur coats.

 

 

Lesbian Joke 36:

Q: What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

A: A liquor cabinent.

 

Lesbian Joke 37:

Q: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

A: Fur-traders.

 

 

Lesbian Joke 38:

A woman goes to the gynecologist, and upon examination, the doctor says, “Why, it’s immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?”

The woman responds, “I have a woman in twice a week.”

 

Lesbian Joke 39:

Q: Have you heard about the new lesbian tennis shoe called “Dyke”?

A: It has an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get it off!

 

Lesbian Joke 40:

Jamie invited her mother over to her house for dinner. Over the course of the evening, Jamie’s mom started to wonder if there was more between Jamie and her roommate than met the eye. She had long been suspicious of her daughter’s sexuality, and watching them interact made her more curious. Reading her mom’s thoughts, Jamie volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sandy and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Sandy came to Jamie and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find my favorite gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

Jamie said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So she sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, Jamie received a letter from her mother which read: “Dear Daughter, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Sandy, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Sandy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

 

Lesbian Joke 41:

Q: How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?

A: She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

 

Lesbian Joke 42:

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Four. One to change it, two to organize the potluck and one to write a folk song about the empowering experience.

 

Lesbian Joke 43:

A lesbian walks into a sex toy store and asks where the vibrators are. “Come this way,” the cute woman behind the counter says, gesturing with her finger.

“If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need the vibrator, would I?” the woman responds.

 

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January 13, 2013 |

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